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Boundaries or Bust

 

Most people don't grow up in families that talk about or understand how boundaries work.

If you're feeling clueless about boundaries or you’ve recently realized that your current skill level isn’t up to the task of helping you resolve a new challenging situation or navigate a difficult relationship, today I've got 5 simple tips to help you get  started with personal boundaries:

1. Pay attention to strong negative feelings you have about a situation or another person’s behavior.

One of the most common indicators that you need to set a boundary (with yourself or with another person) is when you experience strong, uncomfortable emotions. Don’t ignore, rationalize, or minimize your emotions about a situation, relationship, or interaction with another person. Your emotions give you valuable information that something isn’t working for you.

2. Avoid jumping into action immediately when you think you need to set a boundary.

Your boundary work will be more successful if you slow down and take time to explore what happened. Getting clear about the facts of the situation, your thoughts about what happened, and your emotions is the starting point and the foundation for all effective boundary work.

3. Carefully consider what’s in your circle of control when you’re thinking about setting a boundary.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when setting boundaries is not understanding what’s in their circle of control.

For example, if you can’t see that you have the power to change a situation, you’ll miss the opportunity to create the outcome you want. On the other hand, if you believe you have the power to change something that’s outside your circle of control, you will waste time and potentially create painful emotions or unnecessary conflict.

4. Understand the difference between making a demand and creating an agreement.

Many people (wrongly) believe that if they want something important from another person to help them feel safer, calmer, loved, or more trusting, all they need to do is tell the other person what to do. No one wants to be told what to do, and no one has the right to tell another adult what to do.

When you want anything from another person (in adult relationships), the only way you can get it is through creating an agreement with them. You can’t create an agreement by telling another person what they will or won’t do. You can only create an agreement by making a request of another person and receiving a yes from them.

5. Accept that boundaries, like everything else in life, don’t always work perfectly.

Be open to the fact that when a boundary doesn’t work the way you intended, you may need to take it to the next level.

Taking a boundary to the next level can mean many things, but most commonly means increasing your self-protection or self-care. When a boundary isn’t successful the first time, you may need to renegotiate an agreement that was broken, or completely start over with the boundary-setting process based on the new situation or circumstances.

Areas to Consider Our Boundaries:

Internal

Financial

Time Management

Sexual

Talking

Listening

Social/Relationships

Past behavior is best predictor of future so create safety net and put up guardrails, in humility and acceptance (out of denial ) to protect yourself and those closest to you when you start to slip..you wont slip as far as next time and then use virtue and community to build up character as you climb back up onto narrow path.

Circles for Life blog post link

Every Day is an Adventure

Time Management

Other blog links

Book recommendations: Boundaries series by Cloud and Townsend

Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Vicky Tidwell Palmer

Boundary Boss Podcast Terry Cole

5 pillars of trust

 

Honesty-- telling the truth

Transparency-- when they're forthcoming with their honesty

Accountability --your partner does what they say they are going to do

 

Ethical actions --your partner acts in line with values that match your own

 

Proof of Alliance: when your partner shows they are on your team

Protecting my own peace 💕

I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to react to everything that bothers me. I’m slowly learning that the energy it takes to react to every bad thing that happens to you drains you and stops you from seeing the other good things in life. I’m slowly learning that I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and I won’t be able to get everyone to treat me the way I want to be treated and that’s okay.
I’m slowly learning that trying so hard to ‘win’ anyone is just a waste of time and energy and it fills you with nothing but emptiness. I’m slowly learning that not reacting doesn’t mean I’m okay with things, it just means I’m choosing to rise above it.
I’m choosing to take the lesson it has served and learn from it.
I’m choosing to be the bigger person. I’m choosing my peace of mind because that’s what I truly need. I don’t need more drama. I don’t need people making me feel like I’m not good enough.
I don’t need fights and arguments and fake connections. I’m slowly learning that sometimes not saying anything at all says everything. I’m slowly learning that reacting to things that upset you gives someone else power over your emotions. You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you respond, how you handle it, how you perceive it and how much of it you want to take personally. I’m slowly learning that most of the time, these situations say nothing about you and a lot about the other person.
I’m slowly learning that maybe all these disappointments are just there to teach us how to love ourselves because that will be the armor and the shield we need against the people who try to bring us down. They will save us when people try to shake our confidence or when they try to make us feel like we’re worthless. I’m slowly learning that even if I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from. I’m slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and center it on what’s happening inside you instead. Work on yourself and your inner peace and you’ll come to realize that not reacting to every little thing that bothers you is the first ingredient to living a happy and healthy life.


✍️Stevie Flood-Author

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© 2022 Redemption Road

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video 'boundaries with bandwidth:  on slowly moving boundaries:  Discerning which boundaries we can keep

Sometimes we can set a boundary , that is fair but not doable so, in the end, not effective and more traumatic

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